Originally published in 2025.
Last year, my Dad went in for heart surgery and suffered a massive stroke. I had no idea the impact of a stroke and how bad it can be. The past 9 months have been nothing short of a family crisis. But if there is one thing I have learned from the worst time of my life, it’s that there are so many people who are willing to listen and/or can identify because they have been through something similar.
In this time I have been trying to find answers, solutions, anything really to help keep me afloat. People who have been through similar just keep saying – yeah it’s really hard. Lots of people quit their business. Lots of people struggled on in silence. I choose neither of those.
I hope that by sharing my experience, I can help even one person through an intense time.No one talks about this stuff openly and I know I’m not the only one going through it.
Being able to drop everything (sort of)
I am so glad I run my own business for many reasons but the top one being that no boss would have given me so much time off and at such short notice last year. When things were really bad for the first few months, there was a lot of uncertainty and it was the only thing I could do to go back and forth between hospitals and home. I just dropped work when I was needed. I didn’t take my laptop to hospital nor did I try to work on the fly. The one time I did I instantly regretted. I’m still trying to find a balance between family, life and work but I am glad I can have that choice and not have made it for me. I have recently tried to assemble some sort of life again but the feeling of not being particularly great at any one area is exacerbated. Thanks heavens for therapy on the NHS.
Communicate what you can
Looking back, I do wish I was more honest with all clients and not just the ones who I felt would be understanding. I had no idea what to say to anyone to be honest. I was struggling on and trying to pretend that I was the incredibly organised friendly expert everyone had hired. When it came to the 6 month mark, I felt the need to write an email, but also to issue a new part of my client contract called Managing Expectations which has helped diffuse any delays thus far from either side. We are humans after all. Let’s see how it holds. Also? Not every message needs a reply. Some wise friends reminded me that we actually have complete permission to not reply.
Who I tried to be on social media
I wasn’t sure what to say on social media because so much was happening and I was exhausted. A lot of the time I see that I try to control people’s reactions because listening to their thoughts and opinions on something like this is too much, and I would get irritable and angry, but I also felt I wanted to remain connected and have some sort of connection to the outside world. Looking back, I wish I hadn’t tried to present a positive image on social media at all but then as we approached Christmas, my mental health took a nose dive and it was a key sign to get professional help (which I’m fortunate I could, thanks to our NHS).
My advice would be there is no neat way to present a mess. I pride myself on being organised but there is no way to be that organised in the midst of this. Being strict on a strategy as a small business in times of crisis is, to my mind, completely bizarre.
In the end, I came “clean” with this Instagram post and I feel like this has released a great pressure in me to be anyone in particular. Who was I holding myself accountable to, anyway?
I have had no capacity for marketing
I had time and willingness and enthusiasm for doing the work and made the switch back to entirely done for you SEO work. But marketing? That requires optimism and creativity which I just didn’t have. Some balls just have to be dropped. But I need the income, so what to do? Instead, I asked around and did the following:
- I asked for support from coaches in the communities where I was a paying member.
- I contacted creative agencies to see if they could offer me white label work
- I contacted people in my network for word of mouth referrals
- I created new offers for past clients to help them
Being out of control is part and parcel of it all
I don’t do well with being out of control. And yet when it comes to a crisis like this, there is no control. So I looked at what I could control:
- Hitting pause on Maddy Shine services and courses
- Pausing my local meet-ups before coming back with a fresh energy this year and a new name as Pints and Purpose (honestly, that community is 😍)
These actions were necessary and actually looking back, refreshing. Who says there’s a rule book?
Spending time not with family and not with work
I cannot stress this enough – not everyone gets this opportunity nor do they understand my need for it. I have had to appreciate not everyone has capacity or understanding. God knows I didn’t, not really, before all this. But those who do? Wow. The importance of spending time with sympathetic friends, a supportive partner and a loving cat have got me through.
I am so much softer and more sensitive than ever, and actively don’t go out as much. I go to bed at 9pm at least twice a week, it’s actually really cosy. I prefer solid chats and laughs with a smaller group of friends. I unfollowed a lot of people because I can’t be looking around at what others are doing when that isn’t my path any more. I have found it helpful talking about how I feel with loved ones who get it and connecting with friends who have been through a similar situation.
It’s important to feel the rage
The grief and the rage – oh boy. I don’t know about you but especially as a millennial woman I feel I have not been brought up to be allowed to experience rage, but to suppress and turn it into something else. Since I turned 40, I’ve realised I need to express my rage more. In this crisis, it became worse and a month in, I bought a boxing machine which is attached to my hallway wall. If you follow me on Instagram you’ll have seen me talk about it a lot. It’s fantastic for getting the rage out, plus the ADHD / perimenopause brain fog clears and I feel more able to face the day. As for the grief, I learned a term “ambiguous loss” from Dad’s psychologist at the hospital. I have been diving into resources found online but I feel this phrase covers things more effectively than just “grief”. Grief is not just for people who have died.
If you’re going through anything similar, I’m sorry.
A lot of people thought they were helping but weren’t, so I started posting on social media sharing what I would not accept. Some people continue to ignore this but I can’t control that.
➡️ Instead of saying anything that starts with “At least he hasn’t” or “At least you can”, you can instead say nothing at all. I’m personally fine to be met with an offer of a hug.
➡️ Instead of saying “[Insert illness] is more common than you might think” you can say “That is really tough and I’m sorry. I’d love to listen and/or help you out with something practical (whatever you have capacity for.”
➡️ Unless you’ve been through anything remotely similar, it’s not about you. There is nothing to fix, please put your own people pleasing tendencies aside. Listening is good.
➡️ Instead of saying “How is he?” Instead say “I have been thinking of you and the family lots. If there’s anything you want to share, I’m here. If you want distraction, I can do that too”
➡️ Instead of hoping that I’ll be “back to my old self” because I will never be the same again, you can send me a silly video you think I might like, or a card or a hug.
➡️ Send kind memes, kindness, emojis, virtual hugs.
➡️ Don’t say “they must be progressing by now” or anything like this because you do not know anything.
➡️ If you have capacity, please offer space to vent or rant. Do not try to correct. There is nothing to correct. Emotions need to be felt.
So to wrap up this post, this is my first time at all this. No one wants to be prepared for this and no one wants to face this. So be kind to yourself, and I hope this helps.
Thanks for listening. ♥️
For more information on strokes and support you can check out the Stroke Association website
A big thank you to these two women who inspired me to write this.
Franky at Love Audrey: https://www.love-audrey.com/how-i-run-my-copywriting-business-with-a-chronic-illness
Pippa at the PR set: https://www.theprset.com/blog/how-to-run-a-business-when-youre-grieving
